Different, Yet the Same

I keep getting asked if I feel different now that I'm engaged. It's a surprisingly difficult question to answer. On the one hand, I feel completely the same, the only real difference being a euphoric feeling of happiness that occasionally pops in to say hey for whatever reason. On some level it's different, though, as I find myself feeling even more secure and loved. It's complicated.

Fiancé and I have been together for around 4 years. We set an arbitrary estimated "anniversary" of our dating because... well... to be honest neither of us could really come up with anything resembling a set "first date" or benchmark of when we became official. Heck, when I started calling him my boyfriend it was because he surprised me by announcing to a small group that we were in a relationship. I hadn't really known what we were before. We were friends, to be certain. We've known each other for just about ten years at this point (or close to, anyway, since I met him when I began college in the fall of 2000), and some high points peppered by low points, with a few branches of not speaking to one another for a short period (my bad). I've matured a lot in that decade, and he's changed considerably as well. We did a lot of that changing together, supporting each other through job losses and job hunting (he taught me how to be a temp, for example), breakups, frustrations, new game releases, financial hardships and bouts of terrible inebriation. He taught me to take tequila shots, I taught him how to play Super Smash Brothers. We learned how to team up on WarCraft 3 maps, I did housework, he cooked. We were friends, then housemates. Then somewhere a long ways down the line we became something more, it just took us both a little while to realize what it was, I think.

He has shouldered my debts, I've nursed him through considerable illnesses. He's carried me out of clinics and bore the stress of caring for me out of surgery. I've watched the IV drip enough saline into his system to fill several big bottles of soda. I've paid his gas, he's bought my lunch. I've done his laundry, he's upped my spice tolerance. It's a relationship of respect and honesty, with a few moments of intense frustration... hey, we're both cardinal signs with horns on our heads, sometimes we can be stubborn. (I can almost hear his voice now, "SOMETIMES?!") Not all of these things happened while we were officially a couple... but the line between when we weren't and when we became one is blurry. Like friendship... but upgraded with intense love.

Now now it's like that: a couple, boyfriend-girlfriend, but upgraded somehow. I can't keep from smiling when the word Fiancé passes my lips, and it melts my heart when the word Fiancée comes from his. And let's not forget the enormous shiny ring he put on my finger! I catch myself staring at it frequently (especially in sunlight), not just because it's gorgeous (it's that too!), but because it's a symbol of his love for me, his desire to be a part of my life forever, come hell or high water.

So is it different? Yes. And no. Both. And neither. I'm coming to the conclusion that it just is, and inexplicable in its being. Much like I cannot define myself wholly with words, or fathom what forever really looks like, I can't simply describe what it is I am and what I'm feeling.

Other than, well, incredibly happy. Let's go with that for now, 'kay? :)