Long Time Gone

It's been a long time comin'
It's goin' to be a long time gone.
But you know,
The darkest hour is always
Always just before the dawn.
And it appears to be a long, appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long
Time before the dawn.

After a year of frantic and frenetic futility, I find myself here.

"Here" is unemployed, living with my folks, and single. In the span of just a few months, I went from living with my fiancé in San Diego and gainfully employed to here. Now, 900 miles later, I have the opportunity to really start anew. Not only has a new year begun in the strictest sense, but also a new decade for me, as the tail end of 2011 saw the celebration of my 30th birthday. So now, starting from scratch, with nothing but possibilities laying before me, I have the hardest thing to do - choose a path.

I've narrowed it down fairly quickly. I have the best chance if I start by thinking about careers. I've never really fancied working in an office, which is mostly what I've done for the past ten years. This office, that office, this corporation, that nonprofit, this industry, that manufacturer, this distributor, that service. It's all the same, day in, day out. I'd always start enthusiastic, but before long I would find myself bored out of my mind, wondering to myself, "what GOOD am I doing here?"

The answer is fairly simple. I want to work with animals. I'm good at it. I have a talent, a gift. Why waste it? But the economy has made it quite clear that an inexperienced Vet Assistant isn't enough. It's time to up the stakes. No, I don't want to be a Veterinarian. But I do want to be there in the animal hospital, making the sick ones well, helping the hurting ones heal, and letting the suffering ones go. I want to be there when someone has to say goodbye - not because it's enjoyable, but because I'm the right one for it. I can relate because I care. I can offer a shoulder to the owner and peace to the dying. And I can do this, not because it doesn't bother me, but rather because it does. Who else but someone who gives a damn will ensure that an animal - no matter its size or appearance - has every last scrap of dignity possible?

So instead of 6 years and multiple tens of thousands of dollars to become a Veterinarian, I'm taking the better route: 2 years and a couple thousand dollars in a Veterinary Technician Program.

What's so special about that, you may ask. Why not got full-hog and be a Veterinarian proper? Simple: I don't want to be the one to make the call.

During my externship, I ran across situations where the animal suffered because of a bad diagnosis. One that stands out more vividly than the rest is the case of Momma, a cat who couldn't maintain her equilibrium. Her head tilted at a sharp angle, unable to stand, she tipped over miserably and could not right herself. The vet puzzled and puzzled, but came to two conclusions: either she had an inner-ear problem, or a neurological one. The only way to see if it was an ear issue was exploratory surgery, which would be expensive for no reason if that wasn't the root cause. As a result, the family - being of middling means - opted to have her put down. The vet had presented the case as best he could with all the information he had available, and had made the call that it was one of two things - one fixable, the other a death-sentence - and if they paid a high price, it might still not be a positive outcome in the end. After her death, he performed a necropsy... and found that it had in fact been an ear problem, an easily fixable one.

It wasn't his fault. He did the best he could. But that's an intellectual rationalization for the fact that a cat was euthanized when we could have saved her. I never want to be the one to make that call. I have plenty of ghosts, thank you very much. I don't want or need more.

That being what it is, a Vet Tech is authorized in this state to do basically everything a Vet can do, shy of complex surgical procedures, with the notable exception of diagnosis. I'd never have to make the call. Get my hands dirty, do the work, assist when necessary, run labs and tests and all the legwork that cam up... but I'd never have to sentence a living thing to death, no matter the reason or rationale. It might be considered cowardly of me, but I know my limits. That's one of them.

Having thusly narrowed down my career choices, I have narrowed down schools. Now I need to put that into action. That's the difficult part for now. That, and learning to live with my "single-ness". It's striking. I haven't been single in six years, and it was a fairly short gap between-times the last time anyway. So this is new, even though it was once old. I'm finding it freeing and liberating as well as scary as hell and lonely. I'm healthier now, in a way I never knew I was sick, which gives me all the reason in the world to never look backwards. Only forward from here, although the journey is very, VERY long.

But it's been a long time coming. The darkest hour is always just before the dawn.