I keep getting asked if I feel different now that I'm engaged. It's a surprisingly difficult question to answer. On the one hand, I feel completely the same, the only real difference being a euphoric feeling of happiness that occasionally pops in to say hey for whatever reason. On some level it's different, though, as I find myself feeling even more secure and loved. It's complicated.
Fiancé and I have been together for around 4 years. We set an arbitrary estimated "anniversary" of our dating because... well... to be honest neither of us could really come up with anything resembling a set "first date" or benchmark of when we became official. Heck, when I started calling him my boyfriend it was because he surprised me by announcing to a small group that we were in a relationship. I hadn't really known what we were before. We were friends, to be certain. We've known each other for just about ten years at this point (or close to, anyway, since I met him when I began college in the fall of 2000), and some high points peppered by low points, with a few branches of not speaking to one another for a short period (my bad). I've matured a lot in that decade, and he's changed considerably as well. We did a lot of that changing together, supporting each other through job losses and job hunting (he taught me how to be a temp, for example), breakups, frustrations, new game releases, financial hardships and bouts of terrible inebriation. He taught me to take tequila shots, I taught him how to play Super Smash Brothers. We learned how to team up on WarCraft 3 maps, I did housework, he cooked. We were friends, then housemates. Then somewhere a long ways down the line we became something more, it just took us both a little while to realize what it was, I think.
He has shouldered my debts, I've nursed him through considerable illnesses. He's carried me out of clinics and bore the stress of caring for me out of surgery. I've watched the IV drip enough saline into his system to fill several big bottles of soda. I've paid his gas, he's bought my lunch. I've done his laundry, he's upped my spice tolerance. It's a relationship of respect and honesty, with a few moments of intense frustration... hey, we're both cardinal signs with horns on our heads, sometimes we can be stubborn. (I can almost hear his voice now, "SOMETIMES?!") Not all of these things happened while we were officially a couple... but the line between when we weren't and when we became one is blurry. Like friendship... but upgraded with intense love.
Now now it's like that: a couple, boyfriend-girlfriend, but upgraded somehow. I can't keep from smiling when the word Fiancé passes my lips, and it melts my heart when the word Fiancée comes from his. And let's not forget the enormous shiny ring he put on my finger! I catch myself staring at it frequently (especially in sunlight), not just because it's gorgeous (it's that too!), but because it's a symbol of his love for me, his desire to be a part of my life forever, come hell or high water.
So is it different? Yes. And no. Both. And neither. I'm coming to the conclusion that it just is, and inexplicable in its being. Much like I cannot define myself wholly with words, or fathom what forever really looks like, I can't simply describe what it is I am and what I'm feeling.
Other than, well, incredibly happy. Let's go with that for now, 'kay? :)
March 30, 2010
March 22, 2010
Surprise!
So I was worried about making this weekend as awesome as possible. I had planned and schemed and plotted to surprise and delight Boyfriend for his 30th birthday weekend.
I had no idea.
Friday I got off work early, unbeknownst to Boyfriend. Came home and did a bunch of chores, taking recycling to the recycling center and taking out the trash, cleaning the cat box and mouse cage and fish bowl, vacuuming and doing several loads of laundry. I washed dishes and put them away, scrubbed counters, and proceeded to pack us both plenty of clothes and toiletries for the trip. With our bag of personal stuff packed, I dragged out the tent and sleeping bags, started packing supplies and foods into bags and coolers, and stacking them near the door so when we all arrived, we could grab everything and go. I finished in just a couple hours, and quickly prettied up for the next event.
I showed up at his office at 3:15. His boss and co-workers had already decorated the main meeting room and laid out a spread of fiesta foods and drinks. He had no idea I'd be there. At 3:30, he and another coworker with a birthday right next to his walked in, and a great big surprise party ensued, complete with beers and nachos. Much fun was had... and the weekend was only beginning.
I still had no idea.
I returned home to await the arrival of two friends from up north, and soon the arrival of Boyfriend as well. We nabbed some last-minute supplies, such as firewood, and wound our way up the swiftly-darkening slopes of Mount Laguna. We pitched the tents in the last vestiges of twilight, the guys built a fire, and I dragged out the food. We chatted and cooked hot dogs and made s'mores, while our astronomically-inclined friend showed us incredible sights through her telescope: the Orion Nebula, the Pleiades, Mars. The night turned cold as we went to bed, and kept getting colder, chasing us to our cars to sleep through the night, turning on our heaters to thaw our frozen feet. We woke to a beautiful clear day, and more friends joined us for breakfast, which was eggs and bacon over the campfire.
We chatted and talked about random things, and I laid out my next surprise: a card signed by all the friends present, and a birthday gift: a small piece of the Berlin Wall. I was riding high on the thought that I had managed to monopolize the surprises for the weekend, with one still planned in the form of a birthday cake to be had later.
But still, I had no idea.
Boyfriend then suggested we head to his "spot" on the mountain, a beautiful scenic place where the mountain descends rapidly into a canyon that drops immediately into the flat white expanse of the desert beyond. I have shared this place with him before and loved it every time. It's a gorgeous place, where the earth reaches up to kiss the sky and the hot fire from the desert is met by the damp mountain biome. It is a sacred place. "Bring your cameras," he said, and I brought mine too. I agreed whole heartedly: it was definitely worth taking pictures of. Little did I know.
We reached our destination and piled out of the cars, and immediately I set to tracking. I found evidence of deer and rabbit, but most exciting I found mountain lion tracks. I followed them, pointing them out, pleased with myself for knowing what to look for and feeling all smart-like. We ventured down the hill a ways where the view got extra wide, and wandered around, folks taking pictures of everything. I wandered away a bit to sit with the mountain for a time. Boyfriend came up and kept me company, then suggested we move away from the cliff. I followed him over to another spot, and he held my hand tightly, asking if I knew he loved me.
We do this every now and then. I suspected nothing. Except for the fact that he was shaking like a leaf and his voice was trembling. I hugged him and asked if he was okay. He said, "Yeah, I'm okay," but I wasn't exactly convinced. I asked him was was wrong, and he said he was nervous. His heart was racing like he'd just run up ten flights of stairs. He said, "well, I'm nervous."
Nervous? Why?
"Because I want you to say yes," and he pulled out a gorgeous star-sapphire ring.
...
It gets a little blurry after that. I was too excited to think straight. I said "Of course!" and gave him a big hug, and he placed the ring on my finger. (Apparently he was worried he hadn't got the size right, but it was perfect.) The whole world sort of faded out for a bit. We hugged and kissed for a long time. Then at some point I became vaguely aware of the clickety click click clicky click of cameras going off like a press conference. I suddenly felt self-conscious and started laughing. And with that, the conspiracy broke, and everyone congratulated us.
I was apparently the last to know this was coming.
I am now engaged. Boyfriend is now Fiancé.
Later in the car, he explained that no, he hadn't in fact been calling my dad last week to talk about health insurance. He'd called to ask my dad for my hand. And he'd planned a flowery speech for me... but it all went right out the window. It wasn't anything like either of us had planned, but it was perfect just the way it happened. He said jokingly, "You know, you haven't actually said 'yes'." Well, I said, he hadn't exactly asked me the question, either.
So he asked me, now no longer nervous, and I said yes, perfectly prepared.
Surprise!
I had no idea.
Friday I got off work early, unbeknownst to Boyfriend. Came home and did a bunch of chores, taking recycling to the recycling center and taking out the trash, cleaning the cat box and mouse cage and fish bowl, vacuuming and doing several loads of laundry. I washed dishes and put them away, scrubbed counters, and proceeded to pack us both plenty of clothes and toiletries for the trip. With our bag of personal stuff packed, I dragged out the tent and sleeping bags, started packing supplies and foods into bags and coolers, and stacking them near the door so when we all arrived, we could grab everything and go. I finished in just a couple hours, and quickly prettied up for the next event.
I showed up at his office at 3:15. His boss and co-workers had already decorated the main meeting room and laid out a spread of fiesta foods and drinks. He had no idea I'd be there. At 3:30, he and another coworker with a birthday right next to his walked in, and a great big surprise party ensued, complete with beers and nachos. Much fun was had... and the weekend was only beginning.
I still had no idea.
I returned home to await the arrival of two friends from up north, and soon the arrival of Boyfriend as well. We nabbed some last-minute supplies, such as firewood, and wound our way up the swiftly-darkening slopes of Mount Laguna. We pitched the tents in the last vestiges of twilight, the guys built a fire, and I dragged out the food. We chatted and cooked hot dogs and made s'mores, while our astronomically-inclined friend showed us incredible sights through her telescope: the Orion Nebula, the Pleiades, Mars. The night turned cold as we went to bed, and kept getting colder, chasing us to our cars to sleep through the night, turning on our heaters to thaw our frozen feet. We woke to a beautiful clear day, and more friends joined us for breakfast, which was eggs and bacon over the campfire.
We chatted and talked about random things, and I laid out my next surprise: a card signed by all the friends present, and a birthday gift: a small piece of the Berlin Wall. I was riding high on the thought that I had managed to monopolize the surprises for the weekend, with one still planned in the form of a birthday cake to be had later.
But still, I had no idea.
Boyfriend then suggested we head to his "spot" on the mountain, a beautiful scenic place where the mountain descends rapidly into a canyon that drops immediately into the flat white expanse of the desert beyond. I have shared this place with him before and loved it every time. It's a gorgeous place, where the earth reaches up to kiss the sky and the hot fire from the desert is met by the damp mountain biome. It is a sacred place. "Bring your cameras," he said, and I brought mine too. I agreed whole heartedly: it was definitely worth taking pictures of. Little did I know.
We reached our destination and piled out of the cars, and immediately I set to tracking. I found evidence of deer and rabbit, but most exciting I found mountain lion tracks. I followed them, pointing them out, pleased with myself for knowing what to look for and feeling all smart-like. We ventured down the hill a ways where the view got extra wide, and wandered around, folks taking pictures of everything. I wandered away a bit to sit with the mountain for a time. Boyfriend came up and kept me company, then suggested we move away from the cliff. I followed him over to another spot, and he held my hand tightly, asking if I knew he loved me.
We do this every now and then. I suspected nothing. Except for the fact that he was shaking like a leaf and his voice was trembling. I hugged him and asked if he was okay. He said, "Yeah, I'm okay," but I wasn't exactly convinced. I asked him was was wrong, and he said he was nervous. His heart was racing like he'd just run up ten flights of stairs. He said, "well, I'm nervous."
Nervous? Why?
"Because I want you to say yes," and he pulled out a gorgeous star-sapphire ring.
...
It gets a little blurry after that. I was too excited to think straight. I said "Of course!" and gave him a big hug, and he placed the ring on my finger. (Apparently he was worried he hadn't got the size right, but it was perfect.) The whole world sort of faded out for a bit. We hugged and kissed for a long time. Then at some point I became vaguely aware of the clickety click click clicky click of cameras going off like a press conference. I suddenly felt self-conscious and started laughing. And with that, the conspiracy broke, and everyone congratulated us.
I was apparently the last to know this was coming.
I am now engaged. Boyfriend is now Fiancé.
Later in the car, he explained that no, he hadn't in fact been calling my dad last week to talk about health insurance. He'd called to ask my dad for my hand. And he'd planned a flowery speech for me... but it all went right out the window. It wasn't anything like either of us had planned, but it was perfect just the way it happened. He said jokingly, "You know, you haven't actually said 'yes'." Well, I said, he hadn't exactly asked me the question, either.
So he asked me, now no longer nervous, and I said yes, perfectly prepared.
Surprise!
March 16, 2010
Arghsnarf.
Arghsnarf is my new favorite word. I'm not sure where I found it, but I'm pretty certain somebody else came up with it first. It encompasses so much. It can be a feeling, an emotion, a mood, a situation, an epithet, or just a random word to be thrown about like a cat fluffing it's tail right in your face as you're trying to watch a movie. (Come to think of it, it's entirely possible that a cat fluffing it's tail into one's face may illicit a sound much like "arghsnarf".)
It rather describes the feeling and mood I'm in right now. Tired, close to falling asleep at my desk due to last night's rather substantial tossing and turning, ambivalent and struggling to stay motivated to work due to the impending possibility of unemployment, the apathy and distaste for looking for yet ANOTHER means of employment, the stress of looking for a place willing to take me on for my externship (REALLY people, it's an unpaid volunteer position! free labor! TEACH ME for heaven's sake!!), knitter's block, writer's block, a general listlessness and desire to do nothing more than eat chocolate and play video games that involve very little mental stimulation.
But I'm not in a foul mood. All these flavors of stress and weariness are really just background noise, an occasional annoyance not unlike laundry or bills or my co-worker's rather obnoxious musical choices. I'm also happy and excited, what with the weekend promising friends and fun and time in the woods. There are surprises I am in on, and I am happy to be a part of them, and feel honored in some cases to have been asked to join in. The day is passing quickly and I have caught up on my work. I have taken care of several bits of paperwork that have been nagging at me, been drinking my water and eating healthy. My knee has healed faster from it's little flare-up than I have ever seen it do before, I have finished traffic school and am otherwise satisfied with things.
The two mitigate one another, leaving me with a confounded and confuzzled conflagration of contrary consciousness. Converse conversations contain copious quantities of quizzical correspondences within my battered brain. The resultant mess is best described - succinctly - as "arghsnarf". Rather ineloquent, perhaps, but more accurate than any alternative I have found thusfar.
And so, paradoxically bored but content, burned tongue and full belly, I settle in to wait out the waning hours and hope that tonight will last longer than the day has seemed so far.
It rather describes the feeling and mood I'm in right now. Tired, close to falling asleep at my desk due to last night's rather substantial tossing and turning, ambivalent and struggling to stay motivated to work due to the impending possibility of unemployment, the apathy and distaste for looking for yet ANOTHER means of employment, the stress of looking for a place willing to take me on for my externship (REALLY people, it's an unpaid volunteer position! free labor! TEACH ME for heaven's sake!!), knitter's block, writer's block, a general listlessness and desire to do nothing more than eat chocolate and play video games that involve very little mental stimulation.
But I'm not in a foul mood. All these flavors of stress and weariness are really just background noise, an occasional annoyance not unlike laundry or bills or my co-worker's rather obnoxious musical choices. I'm also happy and excited, what with the weekend promising friends and fun and time in the woods. There are surprises I am in on, and I am happy to be a part of them, and feel honored in some cases to have been asked to join in. The day is passing quickly and I have caught up on my work. I have taken care of several bits of paperwork that have been nagging at me, been drinking my water and eating healthy. My knee has healed faster from it's little flare-up than I have ever seen it do before, I have finished traffic school and am otherwise satisfied with things.
The two mitigate one another, leaving me with a confounded and confuzzled conflagration of contrary consciousness. Converse conversations contain copious quantities of quizzical correspondences within my battered brain. The resultant mess is best described - succinctly - as "arghsnarf". Rather ineloquent, perhaps, but more accurate than any alternative I have found thusfar.
And so, paradoxically bored but content, burned tongue and full belly, I settle in to wait out the waning hours and hope that tonight will last longer than the day has seemed so far.
March 08, 2010
Big Day
Boyfriend's birthday swiftly approaches. And a big number for him, too. Although I confess I've never put too terribly much energy into the number he now faces, it very clearly and obviously means quite a bit to him. As a result, I find myself searching for ways to make it extra memorable (in good ways). Alas, I feel inadequate as I plan, wanting to offer him the moon and a new house and a trip to Vegas while I'm at it. But being in the pickle I have put myself in, I'll have to content myself with small achievements in the direction of making his birthday a great one. Yet even so I am troubled.
Given that we both are attempting to eat a bit more healthy, should I make him a cake or no? Should I try to put together a surprise party? Give him alone time? Take him to the mountains? Go dancing? And what do I get for him as a gift? Should I make something?
Filled with uncertainty because I wish it to be wonderful, and worried I'll fall short, does not a winning recipe make. So perhaps I shall just breathe deeply, do what I can, and what feels right... and let him have the day he desires.
At least it's on a weekend.
Given that we both are attempting to eat a bit more healthy, should I make him a cake or no? Should I try to put together a surprise party? Give him alone time? Take him to the mountains? Go dancing? And what do I get for him as a gift? Should I make something?
Filled with uncertainty because I wish it to be wonderful, and worried I'll fall short, does not a winning recipe make. So perhaps I shall just breathe deeply, do what I can, and what feels right... and let him have the day he desires.
At least it's on a weekend.
March 04, 2010
Home
The last two days have been spent working from home. And why? Because it feels like I swallowed the offspring of a chestburster and a hedgehog that decided to play basketball in my insides.
Arghh.
Arghh.
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