The Long Nap

I want to state for the record that I wish for my body to be buried in as natural a fashion as possible.

I've taken a lot from this earth to sustain this form, and I'd like to give it back when I'm done with it. So if I get hit by a rogue satellite that plunges from the atmosphere tomorrow, I'd much appreciate it is if folks didn't drop multiple tens of thousands of dollars on sticking me in the ground. Wrap me in something nice - a pretty blanket or a warm quilt will do - dig the hole good and deep, and let me sleep there. No need for my insides to be flushed out or filled up with weird ass fluids, thanks. Don't need my cavities filled with cotton. Just let me be, as is, say a few nice things, and have one *hell* of a party when I'm set. If fewer than half of my funeral attendees aren't rip-roaring drunk by the time the party's over, you didn't party hard enough.

Oh, and s'mores. You'd better have freaking s'mores at my funeral. Crapton of s'mores. And a bonfire to roast them on. And buttered popcorn.  With enough butter in it to make it swim.

Just sayin'.

You see, the funeral industry earns scads of money every year, charging you buttloads of money for a nice fancy box to put yourself into with all the little pillowy extras for your eternal sleep. The thing is, if you're six feet under, a painting of the last supper isn't going to do you a whole lot of good. Even assuming you could use your eyes somehow when you're dead, it's also going to be pitch black. Also take into account the fact that when you do begin to decay - because you will, embalming be damned - if you're in a sealed, water-tight box, your gasses and liquefying bits will build up enough pressure to burst the box. The white satin liner you're resting on will become saturated with Soup d'You. So what's the point of spending so much on it all?

I had someone argue with me that the better preserved you kept your body, the better, since when you rise on Judgement Day you don't want to be a horrific decaying mess. I countered that if God could raise dudes from the dead, I think that a wee bit of restoration would certainly be well within the plans. She huffed at me. I couldn't understand why she was so invested in being right about it, seeing's how she stood to save her rather poor family quite a bit of cash if she opted out of the whole ensemble. But nonetheless, people seem to be very attached to their bodies post-mortem. A thought made more hilarious by the fact that most folks don't seem to give a damn about their bodies when they're living in it.

Anyway. I suppose this seems a bit random, but I wanted it out there. Wrap me up nice and soft, put me in the ground, and put a nice little marker there. The marker I don't mind being fancy. People can see that bit. They can appreciate it. I won't give a damn, but that way people can come by and see where I lay and have a moment of reflection and remembrance. but the rest? Meh. Leave it. Have a grand wake and a lot of booze on my behalf, eat lots of food and have a merry time. Play lots of 80's music. But don't worry about me being in the ground. She was here long before me, and it was always understood that I'd be back.