So Sorry

I used to start posts like this one with an apology. Whenever there was a gap of time between posts, I would say I was sorry for not posting more.

But I try not to apologise unnecessarily anymore.

I have a jar. It's called the Sorry Jar, and my sister-in-law helped me come up with the concept. Apparently I'd been driving everyone absolutely bonkers with my constant unneeded apologies. Sorry for asking a question. Sorry for walking down the same hallway. Sorry for calling to say hello (because what if I'd called at a bad time and I didn't mean to disturb you I hope I'm not being a pest...)

Constant. A steady stream of "sorry"s from my lips at any given moment. And when I did something actually WORTH an "I'm sorry", like, say, bumping into someone, the stream became a river overflowing its banks with apologies and reassurances that it was entirely an accident and -

ENOUGH.

It had driven her to the point where she offhandedly joked that she should start charging me for unnecessary apologies. And for some crazy reason - I think it's because I genuinely wanted to stop driving people crazy (again, not for my own benefit, but for others, because I was doing something wrong again and I didn't mean to and I'm s-) - I agreed. We took an empty hot chocolate container, stripped off the label, and decorated it. The fee was simple: one nickel for every unnecessary apology.

I started out racking up quite the bill. I made daily trips, usually more than once a day. If I was out and about, I'd keep track of how much I owed the jar so I wouldn't forget. But slowly, over time, it petered off. I was making fewer trips. Once a day. Once every few days. Once a week.

Then I moved out here, with The Guys, and I told them about my jar.

Agreeing that the concept was both sound and valuable, they helped me determine what should be done with the money I put in it (initially I'd planned on using it once a month to get a manicure, but then, why would I reward myself for a problem?) as well as upping the ante a bit. In addition to the five cents I owed if I asked forgiveness for something that hadn't needed to be forgiven, I owed ten cents if I argued. For example, I would walk through the kitchen. It's a galley kitchen, a bit small, and walking through there when someone else is in there can be a bit awkward. So I said I was sorry. J would tell me to go pay a nickel to the jar. "But!" I would protest, "I was in your way!" To which he would patiently point out that, actually, I wasn't, and had our roles been reversed, would I have expected him to say he was sorry? No? Then the charge became ten cents.

The fee went up to a whole quarter for self-deprecations. Saying that I was stupid, or dumb, or an idiot - all things that slipped easily out of my mouth without so much as a thought - cost me twenty-five cents. And rightly so, for that kind of language is seriously damaging. It's how I got to this point in the first place. In order to believe it, I have to think it, and heaven knows that for the past several years I have NOT being thinking very highly of myself. So, slowly, with time and encouragement, I'm backing off on the negative self-talk, and replacing it with things like, "wow, I'm actually getting pretty buffed!" or "see? I can be smart!" or "... every once in a while, I have my moments".

Hey. Baby steps, people. It's an improvement.

The biggest new rule, though, was one that spontaneously showed up one night. I never even realized I was saying it. I'd be talking, and either fumbling the words until it came out as a language other than English, failing to convey my meaning entirely, and/or making the situation worse by sticking my foot in my mouth and sounding like a complete blithering idiot. At which point, determined to STOP sounding completely inane, I would say, quite determinedly, "I'll just shut up now."

Apparently to outside ears, this sounds far, far worse than I ever thought it did. It wasn't until M said it in jest (to and about himself) that I realized just how terrible of a thing to say it really is.

Telling myself to shut up not only made me believe that I had nothing worthwhile to contribute, but also that I had no skill for speaking, no ability to communicate properly, and a terrible social skill in general. It meant that I was better off being seen than heard, that my opinion counted for little if anything, and that it would perhaps be best if I just kept my mind to myself.

That little gem costs me a dollar.

I've had some people suggest that enforcement of these rules is just as bad (and controlling) as the behavior that got me to this point in the first place. To that, I have a few retorts. First, the jar and its enforcement were concepts I agreed to, and helped come up with in the first place. Second, the money I put into the jar goes down to my place of employment once a month, where it is donated to helping support shelter animals. Third, I have noticed a marked improvement in my personal behavior since this little game/exercise was put into place. I speak better about myself, have more confidence in what I'm saying, and hell, there are times when I call MYSELF on it and go pay the appropriate amount just because I want to keep improving. And it's not just The Guys, either. My family's in on it, as are many of my friends. If I didn't want to play anymore, I wouldn't. Simple as that.

That said, if you see me break any of these rules, and start either talking shit about myself, telling myself to shut up, or apologizing for existing without a permit to be, please call me on it. Shelter animals will thank you for it as much as I will, and I think it's helping drive other people a little less crazy while we're at it.